Those Words from A Dad Which Helped Us when I became a First-Time Parent

"I think I was just just surviving for the first year."

One-time Made In Chelsea personality Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the challenges of becoming a dad.

But the actual experience rapidly became "completely different" to what he pictured.

Severe health problems around the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was pushed into becoming her main carer as well as taking care of their infant son Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, every change… every walk. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

After eleven months he reached burnout. That was when a talk with his parent, on a park bench, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.

The direct phrases "You're not in a good spot. You need some help. In what way can I help you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, look for assistance and start recovering.

His story is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. While people is now more comfortable addressing the stress on moms and about postpartum depression, less is said about the difficulties dads encounter.

'It's not weak to ask for help

Ryan believes his struggles are linked to a larger inability to open up among men, who often absorb harmful notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the rock that just takes the pounding and remains standing every time."

"It's not a show of failure to request help. I didn't do that soon enough," he adds.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health before and after childbirth, says men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - especially ahead of a mother and child - but she highlights their mental state is vitally important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the space to request a pause - taking a few days overseas, outside of the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He understood he required a shift to focus on his and his partner's emotions as well as the logistical chores of caring for a newborn.

When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd overlooked "what she needed" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

'Parenting yourself

That insight has reshaped how Ryan perceives being a dad.

He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will see as he matures.

Ryan hopes these will assist his son better understand the language of feelings and understand his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen was without stable male guidance. Despite having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, deep-held emotional pain meant his father found it hard to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their bond.

Stephen says repressing emotions led him to make "terrible decisions" when younger to change how he was feeling, finding solace in drink and drugs as escapism from the hurt.

"You find your way to behaviours that are harmful," he notes. "They might temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Tips for Getting By as a New Dad

• Talk to someone - if you feel swamped, speak to a family member, your partner or a therapist how you're feeling. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated.
• Maintain your passions - continue with the things that helped you to feel like you before the baby arrived. It could be going for a run, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Look after the physical health - nutritious food, physical activity and if you can, sleep, all are important in how your mind is coping.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - listening to their stories, the challenges, along with the good ones, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Know that requesting help does not mean you've failed - looking after you is the best way you can support your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally had difficulty processing the death, having been out of touch with him for years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's resolved not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead give the safety and nurturing he lacked.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - expressing the emotions in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they confronted their pain, altered how they communicate, and learned to regulate themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I wrote, on occasion I think my purpose is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but actually, it's a dialogue. I am understanding as much as you are through this experience."